New Super Mario Bros. Wii (**)

It is nearing Christmas time, isn't it? Anyways, I've decided to change this blog (not that anyone is currently reading it) into a spot solely for my video game reviews and any new blogging I feel like doing. Today, I'd like to present a review, written about two to three weeks ago. Enjoy/send me hate mail. Anything to let me know you're reading (protip: you're not).

A video game “review”

New Super Mario Brothers Wii

developed by Nintendo EAD

published by Nintendo

score: ** out of ****

So, it's about that time. My fingers hurt from playing too much guitar today. Before I start reviewing a video game, I'd like to take a few minutes or so to talk about video games.

Video games and I go back a little ways, about the length of my life. Ever since I was young, I enjoyed them on a regular basis and still do, despite my adapting of a very critical standpoint. They are almost as important to me as music, which I don't think I can do without. Anyways, the point is that I'm certain that I am almost qualified to talk about video games.

A few days ago, digging through video game news, the oddest article I think I'd ever read came up to me. A man, let's not mince words and call him a crazy man, decided to tie the knot to a video game. There we go, it's no longer a hobby, no longer an obsession, it's a full-fledged love. The previous sentences are not lies, either. If they were, they wouldn't even be that well constructed. What would I have to gain from saying a man married a video game? It happened, folks. Look it up on Youtube, it is 100% there.

What do we think about this, as a gaming collective? It's certainly an embarrassment to the entire community, although I'm not sure it's all that bad. It could have been worse, I suppose. At least he married a dating simulation game. Somewhere, the developers of said game (Love Plus for the Nintendo DS) must be exchanging feverish text messages proclaiming that they've done it. Theoretically, they made the most successful game about love in the history of games, because some guy married it. People were actually happy for him! Only in Japan could such a thing be treated with even some air of legitimacy. In the United States, same-sex couples have issues getting married. In Canada, my country, it's not all that much better for them. In Japan, a dude married a fucking video game! Take that, rest of the world! Once again, Japan proves their superiority to the western world (please make sure to catch the intended sarcasm in that sentence).

I sure hope he's not expecting the game to make him breakfast in the morning. Making breakfast, by the way, is one of the most difficult things to do when you're a bachelor. I'm very much considering that the art of breakfast making is going to get much more difficult for this guy. The real cruel part about it is that his wife (let's use the term loosely) is better looking than my girlfriend (I don't have one). Right. Enough about that.

So I've chosen to review New Super Mario Bros. Wii, which may be the worst name for a game I've heard in a long time. It begins and ends with two completely unnecessary words. Not that I'm saying they should have called it Super Mario Bros., but I don't think it wouldn't have been a bad idea. It would have been straight and to the point, without any room for analytical confusion. The game can only be “new” for a little while, Nintendo. I swear, if they ever release a second game like it and call it New Super Mario Bros. Wii 2, I will need to be strapped to my chair to minimize damage to all those around me. Swearing to God here, folks.

Alright, outside of the name, which is actually really important, what else do we have? Back to the naming issue for a second (yes I will let this go, give me a break), isn't the name probably the most important part of anything? It's the first impression we're given, especially in the entertainment industry. We often know of a game or movie's name before we see the first trailer. Even when that's not true, we watch things because of their name. I know I've been on tooth and nail waiting for more Final Fantasy XIII footage! Imagine if it was called...hmm. Dependence on a name brand does kind of complicate the issue, however, so let's just drop it.

Jeez, blisters are the absolute worst, especially on the left index finger. This is the hardest review ever written. I pray for the comfort that the “lovely” and “talented” reviewers over at Gamespot and IGN are allowed to enjoy, nice chairs...the works. Man, wouldn't it be great to be those guys?

There comes a time when as a reviewer, I actually have to sit down and review the damn game I've chosen to cover. I find it much more fun to ramble, but I suppose I'll do what needs to be done.

NSMBWii (an ugly acronym!) is the latest Mario offering, and it's an attempt to return to the roots of Mario. A lot of the time, it tries to be Super Mario Bros. 3, with and without success. You can definitely feel it, every step of the way, from the world map designs, to the level designs themselves, to the control of Mario. They didn't emulate the last one well enough, so right away we're a bit apprehensive. I loved Mario 3. I cherished it. I would not, however, marry it. Nostalgia doesn't even try to blind me on the game, it is still the most well crafted Mario game of any era and any design. It will be the best Mario game until the end of time itself, I suppose.

Winter's attempting to come in this part of the world, although it seems a bit delayed. I'm concerned that these downright odd temperatures and conditions are the omen to some sort of harsh winter. If that's the case, however, I'll just play more video games. Final Fantasy XIII is out in less than a month in Japan, and when you're like me (having too much money than you know how to spend); importing is not really an issue. I'm glad to pay the hundred or so dollars to receive the game about three months earlier than most other people I know. Language barrier? Whatever. I'll get through it. Gaming is often a chore. Luckily, this game didn't feel like one in the least. I'm pretty glad I played it.

I'm a big Mario fan, after-all (right now, I'm wearing a Mario related T-shirt as well as a Mario bandage (it is decorated with Bullet Bills) to cover a burn on my arm from the other day.

Might actually be talking about the game, NOW.

It surprised both myself and my roommate that I actually purchased the game last week. It was, kind of a spur of the moment ordeal. Like most things nowadays, it spawned from my desire to stop weighing down my damn wallet and bank account with money. It's not that I'm rich, because I'm the furthest from it. I just don't spend a lot of money! I feel like I should, to reward myself for actually being employed. So I bought it, then I spend a good deal of that night playing it. In a few hours, I had made it through roughly half of the game. I said to my roommate that I wasn't surprised, I had previously guessed that the game was going to be too easy. I mean, Nintendo said it was going to be really hard! It's pretty much common knowledge that the easiest way to get what a company is trying to say is to take the message in reverse. This game confirms my inkling that I'll likely not be buying Super Mario Galaxy 2 (...what of it?) because they are in the midst of promising the same thing. Hell, they're even using this game as the comparison! If I know one little thing about video games, it's when a game is hard or not. When you finish a game with an abundance of lives greater than seventy (out of a possible ninety-nine), that is not difficult. Basically, through my typical style of playing, I amassed extra lives doing nearly anything. Anyone inquisitive at all is going to find the secret coin stashes and lives.

So what's the real deal with the game, anyways? I mean, it's the year 2009. It's almost 2010! I can already picture myself sitting on my couch, ringing in New Year's by playing Final Fantasy XIII, in Japanese. It'll be like inviting a wonderful stranger to my house! That may actually become the inspiration for an article. It probably will, now that I really think about it. A new year is an important thing, after all! Anyways, like I was saying; what exactly is Nintendo trying to pull by getting us to play classic Mario, in the year of 2009? Especially by trying to do exactly what it did almost twenty years ago. I think Nintendo needs to realize, we've grown up. The kids who played Mario, we're not really in the market for an old Mario game, anymore. It's kind of sickening and a whole lot more depressing for Nintendo to be selling us nostalgia, but that's what this is.

I was told by a co-worker when we were discussing this game that I was “too hard to please”. He assured me, despite never having played this game yet, that it must have been difficult. I've been the target of Youtube comments against me, where I claimed from a video of a boss fight that it looked too easy. After having gone through the game, beaten said boss without dying, I posted again saying that now, I had every right to say the game was too easy. I was told that “multiplayer is REALLY hard!”. I didn't buy the game for multiplayer. I'm not really even going to comment on it, or ever play it. My roommate would rather play the game solo, as would I. That comment really only sparked the thought that the individual must have had terrible friends, people who would rather try to derail the game and be assholes rather than play it properly. Why did that feature need to become necessary in a Mario game, of all things? I don't play online games simply to avoid idiotic people, now I'm running the risk of my friends deciding that; hey, this Mario game is a lot better if you play it wrong.

Back to my co-worker, I asked him if he was any good at Mario games. He never really managed to give me a response, but I'll assume his skills are of at least a passable level. My Mario skills, by my own estimation, are above his. I ended the game with an excess of seventy lives. Now, I've played pretty much every Mario game and beaten them. Realistically, if I've been playing for so long, that makes sense! So for me, the game is not difficult. Betting on that “fact”; I can guess that this game was actually made for new gamers as much as it was made for Mario fans, if not more. It's a very casual, laid back experience of a game. The pacing seems lax most of the time, each world is roughly the same length with a consistent difficulty curve across the entire world. Each curve seems a slight bit higher than the previous, naturally. That's the logical structure. Chances are, you've heard of the Super Guide, right? Simply put, it's a guide that shows you the bare minimum way to go through a level relatively unscathed if you die enough. Eight is the magic number. I was given the option to activate it once throughout my entire ordeal, on the last level. Apparently, the Super Guide is in there to help the new gamers along.

Have you ever considered any Mario game to be anything other than a casual game? It's one of the series that I think anyone can play without too much hassle. The mechanics are good, the goals straightforward. Why is it necessary to make the distinction that this game is not a game for everyone? The Super Guide exists to help gamers through, should they find the “challenge” of the game too steep. What kind of asshole would do that, honestly? Why buy a video game if you think it's going to be too difficult for you? Especially when said video game can basically play itself, if need be. You just spent around sixty dollars to watch a video game! I figure anyone who ever activated the Super Guide during gameplay cares very little about the secret exits and special coins. If they did, they would have probably put some effort into not sucking. Is it too much to ask?

Enough about the difficulty of the game. Maybe I'm just too good at Mario games! I suppose it is a subjective thing, after all.

When Super Mario Brothers was released all so many years ago, it was a revolution. So much was conveyed simply by the way Mario faced the second the game started. If we read the manual, we figured out that there was a princess, named Peach. I guess she was called Toadstool back then, whatever. Mario, being the protagonist, was tasked with what else? Her rescue. Anyways, the point that I'm so interested in is that Mario faced right. We knew which way to go because, well, why would the game deceive us? It was an interesting way to reduce narrative into a simple contextual clue. NSMBWii starts with a small cutscene so that we can actually see Peach get kidnapped. It's kind of charming! And then Mario, Luigi, and two random Toads go running off after her (to the right, of course). Even if you're playing single player, the three other characters come running, then I guess they either die or evaporate. It's an exciting prospect.Man, what a dreadful feeling it is when you take your fingers off the keyboard for a second and look at your clock, realizing that you have to work in ten hours and that you're not even remotely tired. I swear, my job has only gained me two things: money and the development of atypical sleep patterns. Which just happen to be somewhat self-destructive on my body, except for the wonderful fact that a lot of my best writing gets done when I'm awake at ungodly hours. My Metal Gear Solid 4 review was written in two sessions that occurred at later than 2 AM, two consecutive nights. This review is on its third session, conducted entirely in OpenOffice, no doubt my favorite word processor ever.

I had just recently bought my PlayStation 3 when I beat and reviewed MGS4. At first, I was kind of hesitant with the console. The move to the slim model really influenced my decision. Anyways, I'm impressed with the power the console holds. Three years ago, when the Wii launched, I was stone-cold, dyed in the wool supportive of the console. My mother told me when I bought my PS3, that years ago, the prospect of me purchasing any game console outside of a Nintendo one was absurd. She was right, actually. I used to be a plain old Nintendo kind of guy. Now, I'm definitely on the way to swapping teams. The Wii just doesn't have a huge appeal, any more. I don't care about its strong sales, or its casual gamer focus. For a real gamer, I don't think it's a console worth its weight. A somewhat “anti” Nintendo stance may permeate from my reviews, which is only fair. A disillusioned soul can only pretend so long.

Mario, Mario, Mario, what has become of you, recently? You've traded in the wonderfully crafted games with a contextual learning curve; you've become a series which would rather be straightforward and just flat out tell people what to do, whether they want to be advised or not. Mario Galaxy was notoriously bad for this; there is absolutely no reason of existence for the NPCs that pop up in various worlds. They just talk in words that only make sense in a video game; their speech bubbles decorated with symbols of what we might be looking for. They might tell us such useful information as “PRESS A TO SWIM” when we're already swimming! I'd like to punch these characters in the face. I hate being told what to do when it's obviously clear that I've got a firm grasp on what I'm doing. God, in this very game, you're given the same visual cue every single time you go near an item you can pick up. After the first time, you'll know what you're doing. Why remind us all the time? I play video games to learn them, to overcome their challenges; yet here we are in a time where Nintendo is making video games that want to hold our hands and be our friends. No wonder some kooky Japanese guy married a video game.

This article has become sort of downright negative, hasn't it? Let's take some of our medicine (cold pizza and a beverage) and try to figure out why you should buy this game, if you have a Wii. It would be, for most, a must buy! On a realistic note, if you've ever played any 2D Mario game and enjoyed it, you may as well buy this game. It will certainly satiate a hunger for that style of play with ease. Me and my roommate noticed something, having been on a Super Nintendo kick as of late. Super Mario World, which a lot of people will say is their favorite Mario game, has such a different style of movement than the other Mario games. It has this certain fluidity that the others lacked, a quick response style of play that very much suited it. Mario's running speed in World certainly seems higher than his running speed in the other games off memory (do not run around quoting me on that!). Mario 3, especially, had this certain...let's call it choppiness, for lack of a better term. Mario had this very controllable jumping arc and a very precise max speed. It was so intentionally designed, like a veritable shit ton of care had been put into it. Shigeru Miyamoto, after all, is known as somewhat of a perfectionist, delaying games until they're what he considers “just right” before releasing them. Miyamoto is a genius, for sure. His track record speaks for itself. Although, his new concern with whether or not there is a high level of accessibility...seems strange. Historically, most geniuses have never been too caring as to whether or not the public understood what they were doing and accomplishing. Especially in the old days, where most geniuses went against the grain! Miyamoto may be one of the most considerate geniuses ever.

So I've spent the past few days battling the flu, so my head feels sort of like I've been drinking, way too heavily. Anyways...so, I'm sure by this point of the review, you may be ready to send me a particularly nasty email. Most people totally love this game, I've figured that out from doing a little research. A quick glance at ol' Metacritic shows an 87 average for the game. Now, I'm gonna try to rationalize why my review seems so negative. It's simple to just look at a game, and rank it based on how it looks; sounds; and feels. That's only so much, though. Any game can be well put together, but that carries no weight if the experience is detrimental. Sitting here listening to a live version of “Brian Wilson” by a great Canadian band, the Barenaked Ladies, I'm fairly certain that I'm not quite grasping the experience of New Super Mario Bros. Wii. Is it my fault for expecting a difficult, satisfying game?

The game never feels confident enough to be its own game, either. It constantly wants you to think of some other game (hint: it's Mario 3!). So this game has an airship, right? Remember the airships from Mario 3? Of course you do! Well, the airship in this game follows such a weird existence. Basically, you'll beat a world, and a little cutscene will play where Bowser Jr. runs from Mario out of the castle, jumps on the airship (where Peach conveniently is) and the airship takes off. Why the fucking fuck does Mario not jump on the airship? Seriously, what a hair-brained detachment of logic. Anyone can tell you what Mario is good at. It's jumping! Shit dude, grow a pair and jump on the damn airship! God god god. And to actually necessitate getting on the airship, we need some “funny” moments where Bowser Jr. gets left behind. Mario chases him and they both get on the airship. God the airship has really lost any splendor it used to have, that's really depressing. Another little gap in the logic department here, why did they not bother take Peach to Bowser's Castle right off the bat? I'm going to stop asking these questions before I have a brain aneurysm or something.

Wrapping this up, here. So, what's the real verdict about this game? Let's make a generalization about Nintendo themselves at this point; they seem hell bent on doing two things. Selling us nostalgia at today's prices, and selling it to everybody. I'm pretty certain they will stop at nothing to make sure everyone plays video games, and that's going to compromise the medium before it saves it. Have a good Christmas, everybody. I'll likely be back around New Year's, talking about Final Fantasy XIII or something. I may have a nice New Year's Day article planned! (this likely won't happen for various reasons, that being I was writing this for the intention of a review site I was apart of before it collapsed into the ground, that and I may be PS3-less at the time for random reasons).

Author's notes – I'd love feedback from anyone reading my reviews. Drop me an email at lowepat@gmail.com. I require that you speak English well, and are at least somewhat diplomatic in order for me to respond to you (any emails written in caps saying FUCK YOU will be ignored, for example!).